OK: Here’s the lead up…
Therapy: I was seeing a therapist and she was ok. But I was about to get insurance in 2 months through my work. I didn’t want to bond with her. I asked her to refer me to a therapist in the same program who took my future insurance so that when the insurance came we could transition. This took forever, and then the New Year turned and I wasn’t reenrolled in the program. Now I have no therapist and don’t qualify for the program.
Work: This has been a terrible sales month. In fact, last month was awesome. This month terrible for everybody. I was also working through a sickness for two weeks. This shouldn’t make me worry, but this month is the end of my three month probation. And I am ill at ease. So my hypervigilance, paranoia, the whole ptsd package has been kicking in. And without therapy to balance it, it’s been even worse. Pretending not to be a crazy person at work has been excruciatingly exhausting.
Also, a coworker has taken to whistling, winking and now there’s been a rubbing incident that I need to deal with. I wasn’t in the mood for sexual harassment. That is one of the main reasons I became self employed.
My boss wanted me to revisit the church industry project and since I’m a pussy, I said yes. I tried. But that really led me to sitting in the car for two hours crying. My job was to walk into a church and say hi. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t get out. I was just so terrified of who was behind that door. I was terrified of the list of 30 more churches I had to see that week.
I was supposed to meet up with my boss to do a few together, but when we communicated it was obvious I was crying in the field (how embarrassing). So I was sent home to “take care of myself”.
I wonder if I still have a job.
I wonder if I should have a job.
I wonder if I can have a job.
I sure need revenue.
But I can’t have a job right now where I am social every day.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m so angry, because it wasn’t too long ago when I had my business and I could do anything and everything, or so if felt. But I really think I could hide a lot of this stuff because we were creating our own reality.
I have noticed a lot of entrepreneurs are survivors of trauma as well. Maybe being the master of our own reality is how we coped.
thank you for sharing your world with me. i understand so much of it. my old job used to track and “watch” my panic attacks (the uncontrollable tears and rocking and shaking and saying over and over again “i can’t do this”) they never quite knew what to make of it and Lord knows they tried to fire me more than once. they’d send me an IM saying: “go see donna” and off into “the office” i’d go with the HR lady and union. And then there were the co-workers, yep gingers in the bathroom sobbing again. they all just thought i was a drama queen. nobody ever understood. … yeah. all that to say, having to face 30 unknown churches as my job would have quadrupled the tears. sending my love
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