I leisurely let the cats out of the apartment to have their morning romp and sat back down to slurp my joe.  Settled back in and comfortable, there is a knock at the door.  I get up, thinking that someone had found one of the cats.  And I open the door and there is a father and his cute three year old daughter and another older man.

They start asking me about religion.  Do I know about it?  Am I a believer?  Nope.  An atheist?  Nope.  (I used to identify as an atheist but now I don’t.  I just don’t really want to be in a category.  I am not into the statements or stigmas that each label implies.  Don’t put me in a box.   It makes me uncomfortable and itchy.)

The little girl was so cute and they were so nice.  I invited them in.  I opened a tub and pulled out my collection of plush finger puppets and she was playing with tiny fish and squid finger puppets and laughing.  The adults spoke about the scriptures, they asked me if I had read them and I said yes.  I told them some of my experience with religion and they looked uncomfortable.  I made some gestures, with some of my many finger puppets on my hand.  Might have made it more surreal.

We talked about interpretation about the scripture, they said they just could.  And so I asked them about how they can be sure that the scripture they are reading is god’s word.  Since there were so many books that weren’t included in the Bible or are in some versions of the Bible that aren’t in others.  Because as the Christians wanted to get more coverts they started to add books that were canonized and talked more about Jesus’s interaction with the sinners and the gentiles so that outsiders could be welcome.  With word that could be divinely inspired, then being repeatedly transcribed and then filtered depending on the survival/recruitment needs of the church in the year 367.

I was trying to be nice.  But then he got angry when I said I was excited about the book of Judas being preserved and restored.  Because I think Judas made the greatest sacrifice.  That really upset him.  We tried to get nice and he pulled out this Jesus menu and asked if any of these questions had ever upset me.  And I knew his answers for them and the sales technique he was using.  The older man said we’re not trying to sell anything; I looked up at him and said, really?

I said that I was starting to get triggered.  I didn’t want their god or their book.  And the tears started to pour out of my face.  So embarrassing.  I thanked them for the polite conversation, but asked them to leave.  The tiny little girl took the finger puppets off and gave me a hug.

They left.  E was woken up by the raised voices during the Judas conversation.  I grabbed my coffee.  E has spent the last 4 days with both hands painfully swollen and in an amazing amount of pain from the constant unpacking.  He’s been mostly in bed ice packing his hands.  His pain has been pretty intolerable, but that’s one of the prices you pay for being in three combat zones.  Your 20 year old body writes checks that your body has to cash forever.

They might as well have been selling crack door to door.  This is my addiction, trying to be understood by Christians.  This is where I am developmentally stuck and I don’t know where I thought I was going to get this morning.

I just wanted a nice morning: coffee, a book, smooching my hot fiancé.  But I let my ptsd in, invited it in.  When E asked me why, I just cried and said “they had a little girl”.  Part of me also thought it would be funny, but that humor isn’t for me anymore.  It’s far too expensive in my heart and mind.

“Yes, that’s fairly typical in a high demand abusive religious organization.”

It was awesome.

I feel hopeful.

I confronted him a million times in my head, actually I did every morning on my drive to work.  I thought about how I would say it.  I didn’t feel like I could go to my boss without confronting him first, because I’m a “big girl” and I should be able to fight my own fights.

The other problem was logistical.  We rarely ran into each other.  So, I would be ready, and then ready, and then ready and then finally relax and then he would be there.  Since it was both of our jobs to be out of the office pretty much, we rarely crossed paths so when we did it was an issue.  You just couldn’t time it.

I was retisent to confront because at every corporate job I have ever had, I have dealt with sexual harrassment.  And since I am obviously the common denominator, I wanted to know if there was something in me that attracted this.  But, should I start lopping off parts of my personality?

Last night, I was thinking about it and there were like 40 guys there and three women.  The guys had this great comaraderie.  I didn’t want to spoil it.  I knew that if I told that it would be a big deal, there would be paperwork and drama.  And I didn’t want to be the new girl who changes the culture.  The feminist in me was having a rally and trying to burn my own bra in protest, it was itchy.

I thought about all the women empowerment speeches I’ve given and I felt really ashamed.  I sure feel powerful when I have a microphone, where is my voice without one?

I realized how much I had emotionally invested in keeping the peace amomg the men-folk, at my own risk.  I realized how much punishment I still take (self imposed) to keep peace, even when there shouldn’t be peace.

There shouldn’t have been peace.  I didn’t need to get bothered at work because I’m female and then not talk about it and be nervous and hypervigilant about it because I’m me.

Next time, and I’m sure there will be a next time.  I’ll just try to tell the truth.  But the truth makes me wanna hurl, I’d rather just take the cathartic beating and get the confrontation over with.

I got a message on my facebook from somebody I met once who made a big, sweet impression on me.  She commented about a blog post of mine, that I have permission to share.

“Hi FB! You may not remember me – we met at a party at xxxx’s house a couple years ago, and I thought you were lovely, funny and all-around awesome. You and your boyf had recently started dating, I think, and I am so happy to hear that you’re still together all this time later! I’m not much of a Facebooker, but I log in occasionally and I’ve read some of your Feisty Boots posts – what an amazing journey you’re on. Thank you for sharing it with us and being “out” about the cult abuse; you’re brave to confront the long-term effects of their conditioning and I think, ultimately, the blog will be a large part of your healing. After all, in writing it, you’re doing what they told you NEVER to do: telling the truth in public and saying it loud. Regarding the most recent post about losing your job: honey, fuck ‘em. I’m a therapist, and I’m here to tell you that PTSD will NOT rule your life forever. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing; sooner than you imagine, PTSD will revert to being just one chapter in the book of your life, not the whole book. The circumstances that caused the PTSD will always be part of your history, but the acute PTSD symptoms will recede. Until then, be as patient and gentle with yourself as you would with a frightened child. You WERE that frightened child, and since no one protected her or stood up for her when she needed it, it’s HER fear you’re feeling now. Feel it. Notice that it passes – kind of like a seizure, no? You don’t die of it. And you won’t have PTSD-induced panic attacks forever. Remind Little FB that she’s safe now; the worst is over. Only the aftershocks remain. But while you’re in this acute phase, it’s OK to avoid the things that trigger you. If you knew a little girl who was deathly afraid of churches, would you make her enter 30 of them? ‘Course not. You and the little girl inside you deserve that same kindness and understanding. Talented as you are, you’ll find other work – that’s not going to be a big issue. And I do hope you find a good therapist, someone who’s worked with trauma survivors and can help you manage the anxiety symptoms. Are there survivor websites or online communities you’ve connected with? Sometimes they can be a good source of referrals. Meantime, please know I’m thinking of you and sending long-distance hugs… xoxo”

In a cold time of uncertainty, this response made me feel held, loved and hopeful.  Thank you sweetheart.

No bridges burned and all is well.  It’s the right thing.

Then I found this, “If you are a former member of a cult or high demand organization, we invite you to participate in this upcoming exhibit to present art, musical, and literary (English or French) work related to your experiences while in your group or during your recovery…..  

Creations may be in any art form, including but not limited to: literary (such as poetry, drama, short story, or other writings), music of any kind, dance, and the visual arts (such as paintings, drawings, collage, sculpture, fiber arts, photography, film, video, or multi-media).”

I emailed and told them I had writing, art and dance submissions.  I am so excited!!!

http://groups.google.com/a/icsa.name/group/freeinfo/browse_thread/thread/b40830ff863892cc?tvc=2&fwc=1&pli=1

PTSD sucks.

But hey, I found a new phone app called PTSD manager where I can track my symptoms and maybe that’ll help it be more manageable.  I remember when I used to be able to hold down a job and be awesome.  I wonder if that will happen again.

Therapy: I was seeing a therapist and she was ok.  But I was about to get insurance in 2 months through my work.  I didn’t want to bond with her.  I asked her to refer me to a therapist in the same program who took my future insurance so that when the insurance came we could transition.  This took forever, and then the New Year turned and I wasn’t reenrolled in the program.  Now I have no therapist and don’t qualify for the program.

Work:  This has been a terrible sales month.  In fact, last month was awesome.  This month terrible for everybody.  I was also working through a sickness for two weeks.  This shouldn’t make me worry, but this month is the end of my three month probation.  And I am ill at ease.  So my hypervigilance, paranoia, the whole ptsd package has been kicking in.  And without therapy to balance it, it’s been even worse.  Pretending not to be a crazy person at work has been excruciatingly exhausting.

Also, a coworker has taken to whistling, winking and now there’s been a rubbing incident that I need to deal with.  I wasn’t in the mood for sexual harassment.  That is one of the main reasons I became self employed.

My boss wanted me to revisit the church industry project and since I’m a pussy, I said yes.  I tried.  But that really led me to sitting in the car for two hours crying.  My job was to walk into a church and say hi.  I couldn’t move and I couldn’t get out.  I was just so terrified of who was behind that door.  I was terrified of the list of 30 more churches I had to see that week.

I was supposed to meet up with my boss to do a few together, but when we communicated it was obvious I was crying in the field (how embarrassing).  So I was sent home to “take care of myself”.

I wonder if I still have a job.

I wonder if I should have a job.

I wonder if I can have a job.

I sure need revenue.

But I can’t have a job right now where I am social every day.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m so angry, because it wasn’t too long ago when I had my business and I could do anything and everything, or so if felt.  But I really think I could hide a lot of this stuff because we were creating our own reality.

I have noticed a lot of entrepreneurs are survivors of trauma as well.  Maybe being the master of our own reality is how we coped.

An Open Letter to Clergy regarding helping former members of abusive churches or cults 

By Carol Giambalvo

As both the Director of Recovery Programs for the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) and a co-founder of reFOCUS, a support and referral network for former members of closed, intense organizations or relationships, I’ve had inquiries from clergy about how to help former members when they come to them. I’ve also had remarks from former members that clergy don’t seem to know how to help them. As a former member myself, I’ve had my own personal struggles addressing spiritual and religious issues. Hopefully I can give you some useful information and suggestions.

First, some background information. People don’t join cults. They are deceived and purposefully recruited. The majority are in some sort of normal human transition stage in life such as leaving high school for college, leaving college for the “real world”, breakup of a relationship or marriage, loss of a job, moving to a new location, retirement – and along comes a group of what seems like the most wonderful people from the most wonderful group with the most wonderful goals who show them love, acceptance, and a “higher purpose”. Many people have the mistaken idea that only troubled people from troubled families get involved in these groups. Cults don’t want troubled people. They want bright, dedicated, idealistic, energetic people to raise money, do the work of the group, and recruit new people.

So how do you help the former member? Here are some suggestions:

• Encourage them to get information to help them understand what happened to them in the group and to help them recover from it (sources of information listed at end)
  
• Understand that you will need to earn their trust – they have had their trust violated so badly by a group that looked good 
  
• At times they may be triggered by words that were “loaded” in the group, by the use of some scriptures that the group twisted and emphasized, even by some hymns that were sung in the group, by dynamics – normal things that are found in healthy churches can be a source of a trigger to them. Just understand and make it okay if they need to leave a service, meeting or conversation if should this happen.
  
• Understand that they may not want to share their story – they need to build healthy personal boundaries. Respect their boundaries. The groups build unhealthy boundaries between members and the “outside” world and tear down their healthy boundaries and encourage them to bear their souls and confess all to other group members and leaders. It takes time to re-establish their healthy boundaries after leaving.
  
• When they need to talk, listen to them. They need a voice, on their own time.
  
• Encourage them to ask questions and let them know that it’s okay to disagree.
  
• They need respect and love as they struggle through their recovery issues

What are the recovery issues facing former members?

1.    Identity Crisis

• Who am I now? For those born/raised in high demand groups, who am I?
• What do I believe?

2. Feeling disconnected, sense of purposelessness

3. Grief

• For the people you left behind
• Loss of a cause
• Loss of “belonging”
• Losses you had to give up in order to join group
• Loss of innocence
• Loss of career goals; finances; belongings
• Missing the “buzz”, the feeling of a “high” and looking for it elsewhere
• Anger

4.    Boundary issues

• Rebuild healthy boundaries  — creating a safe place to heal
• It’s okay not to divulge everything to everyone
• Learn how the group tore down your boundaries between you and other group members/leaders
• Learn how the group built up unhealthy boundaries between you and the outside world in order to discredit outside information and feedback and make you more dependent upon the group/leader

5.    Trust issues
·      Test the waters, build up a relationship before you trust someone – develop healthy boundaries

6.    Magical Thinking of cultic group, spiritualizing everything. One needs to learn or reconnect with their critical thinking skills.

7.    Varying symptoms of post traumatic stress

• Panic attacks
• Floating/triggers
• Nightmares
• Sleep disorders
• Inability to make decisions
• Inability to concentrate
• Fears not grounded in reality, fear the group was right when they told you something bad would happen to you if you left
• Hypervigilence

8.    Difficulty with relationships and authority figures

9.    Underemployment 

Resources:

International Cultic Studies Association:  http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_topic_collections/tpcol_exmember.asp

Again, I copied everything from refocus.org, because I wanted my readers to see this website.  This letter was very helpful to me.  Thank you Refocus.org for being there!!!

Hi, I’m Feisty Boots.  I am here on this planet to use my life experiences as a means of illumination against spiritual abuse in the world.  I write and speak so that people who have been hurt by leaders and family who have claimed that their abusive power came from a divine source don’t feel alone.  I believe that the unheard victim can get back on the wheel of abuse and become an abuser and I want to do what I can to stop that cycle.  I have seen the foulest of human nature and been told that it is the love of god and having broken free from that.  I write out those experiences and that process so that others in similar situations can take heart.

That’s a scary thing to say out loud.  Wish I had the guts that day.  Yesterday I met with two people for business and ended up talking about this anyway.  They were far more interested in this.

A woman with experience is in my life and she has some great ideas, I think I will start a step at a time.  Let’s see if I can work this transition.