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So I was cooking and I got burned

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by the universe… The oven rack burned a stripe over the scar from my car accident.  The two marks now make the shape of the rune, Nauthiz.  So, E and I pulled out his handy-dandy book of runes to see what was up with that.  We couldn’t tell if it was right side up or not.

From The Book of Runes by Ralph H. Blum.

“#7Nauthiz: Constraint / Necessity / Pain

The necessity of dealing with severe Constraint ls the lesson of Nauthiz. The positive aspects of this Rune represent the limitations we directly cause ourselves; its negative

Old scar and new burn make a rune?

Old scar and new burn make a rune?

side attracts limitations from those around us. Both are equally difficult to handle.

The role of Nauthiz is to identify our shadow, our dark and repressed side, places where growth has been stunted, resulting in weaknesses that we project onto others. Don’t take this world personally, this Rune is saying: Work with the shadow, examine what: inside you magnetizes misfortune into your life. When at last you can look upon Nauthiz with a smile, you will recognize the troubles, denials, and setbacks of life as your teachers, guides and allies.

The need for restraint is unquestionable here. Drawing this Rune indicates that there will be holdups, reasons to reconsider your plans carefully. There is work to be done on your self. So take it on with good will and show perseverance.

This is a time to pay off old debts, to restore, if not harmony, at least balance. So mend, restore, redress – when fishermen can’t go to sea they repair nets. Let the Constraints of the time serve you in righting your relationship to your Self. Be mindful that rectification comes before progress. And once again, consider the uses of adversity.

Reversed: As part of the Cycle of initiation, Nauthiz is the great teacher disguised as the bringer of pain and limitation. It has been said that only at the point of greatest darkness do we become aware of the Light within us by which we come to recognize the true creative power of the self.

When something within us is disowned, that which is disowned wreaks havoc. A cleansing is required here; in undertaking it you fund a will and strengthen character. Begin with what is most difficult and proceed to what is easy. Or, conversely, begin with what is easy and proceed to what is most difficult. Either way, remember that “suffering,” in its original sense, merely meant “undergoing.” Thus you are required to undergo the dark side of your passage, and bring it in to the Light. Controlling your anger, restraining your impulses, keeping your faith firm all this is at issue here. Modesty and good temper are essential at such a time.”

I mean I’m not being weird right?  It would be weird if the virgin Mary got burned into my arm.  And these are things that I work with constantly, me and my shadow…  How funny that getting a burn made an image that made me stop and read something that made me again reflect on how I need to slow down and repair so that I can find a way for my true creative power to come out.

The world is hysterical.  I don’t know if I believe in this world, but it sure makes me giggle.

Saturday Morning

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A quiet moment at the end of the day, I had hoped for it to turn out differently.  I work up happy and well rested.  I knock out a few chores and made some delicious coffee and then sat down to enjoy some quiet, alone time with a book.  I am re-reading a book on nutrition and working on revamping my food plan.  Now that I’ve kept to my New Year resolution of quitting chocolate – I am ready to move on to phase 2.

I leisurely let the cats out of the apartment to have their morning romp and sat back down to slurp my joe.  Settled back in and comfortable, there is a knock at the door.  I get up, thinking that someone had found one of the cats.  And I open the door and there is a father and his cute three year old daughter and another older man.

They start asking me about religion.  Do I know about it?  Am I a believer?  Nope.  An atheist?  Nope.  (I used to identify as an atheist but now I don’t.  I just don’t really want to be in a category.  I am not into the statements or stigmas that each label implies.  Don’t put me in a box.   It makes me uncomfortable and itchy.)

The little girl was so cute and they were so nice.  I invited them in.  I opened a tub and pulled out my collection of plush finger puppets and she was playing with tiny fish and squid finger puppets and laughing.  The adults spoke about the scriptures, they asked me if I had read them and I said yes.  I told them some of my experience with religion and they looked uncomfortable.  I made some gestures, with some of my many finger puppets on my hand.  Might have made it more surreal.

We talked about interpretation about the scripture, they said they just could.  And so I asked them about how they can be sure that the scripture they are reading is god’s word.  Since there were so many books that weren’t included in the Bible or are in some versions of the Bible that aren’t in others.  Because as the Christians wanted to get more coverts they started to add books that were canonized and talked more about Jesus’s interaction with the sinners and the gentiles so that outsiders could be welcome.  With word that could be divinely inspired, then being repeatedly transcribed and then filtered depending on the survival/recruitment needs of the church in the year 367.

I was trying to be nice.  But then he got angry when I said I was excited about the book of Judas being preserved and restored.  Because I think Judas made the greatest sacrifice.  That really upset him.  We tried to get nice and he pulled out this Jesus menu and asked if any of these questions had ever upset me.  And I knew his answers for them and the sales technique he was using.  The older man said we’re not trying to sell anything; I looked up at him and said, really?

I said that I was starting to get triggered.  I didn’t want their god or their book.  And the tears started to pour out of my face.  So embarrassing.  I thanked them for the polite conversation, but asked them to leave.  The tiny little girl took the finger puppets off and gave me a hug.

They left.  E was woken up by the raised voices during the Judas conversation.  I grabbed my coffee.  E has spent the last 4 days with both hands painfully swollen and in an amazing amount of pain from the constant unpacking.  He’s been mostly in bed ice packing his hands.  His pain has been pretty intolerable, but that’s one of the prices you pay for being in three combat zones.  Your 20 year old body writes checks that your body has to cash forever.

They might as well have been selling crack door to door.  This is my addiction, trying to be understood by Christians.  This is where I am developmentally stuck and I don’t know where I thought I was going to get this morning.

I just wanted a nice morning: coffee, a book, smooching my hot fiancé.  But I let my ptsd in, invited it in.  When E asked me why, I just cried and said “they had a little girl”.  Part of me also thought it would be funny, but that humor isn’t for me anymore.  It’s far too expensive in my heart and mind.

For the team

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This job was a good and a hard experience.  I’ve been wondering why I put up with sexual harrassment.  First it was a whistle in the hall.  Then it was winking.  Then he paced outside my office a couple times trying to get eye contact-which I refused to give him.  Then the last time in the coffee room, I was standing next to the coffee maker and he wanted next to the creamer and he (I guess) shimmied me out of the way. But it was a full body side contact that was excruciatingly uncomfortable.

I confronted him a million times in my head, actually I did every morning on my drive to work.  I thought about how I would say it.  I didn’t feel like I could go to my boss without confronting him first, because I’m a “big girl” and I should be able to fight my own fights.

The other problem was logistical.  We rarely ran into each other.  So, I would be ready, and then ready, and then ready and then finally relax and then he would be there.  Since it was both of our jobs to be out of the office pretty much, we rarely crossed paths so when we did it was an issue.  You just couldn’t time it.

I was retisent to confront because at every corporate job I have ever had, I have dealt with sexual harrassment.  And since I am obviously the common denominator, I wanted to know if there was something in me that attracted this.  But, should I start lopping off parts of my personality?

Last night, I was thinking about it and there were like 40 guys there and three women.  The guys had this great comaraderie.  I didn’t want to spoil it.  I knew that if I told that it would be a big deal, there would be paperwork and drama.  And I didn’t want to be the new girl who changes the culture.  The feminist in me was having a rally and trying to burn my own bra in protest, it was itchy.

I thought about all the women empowerment speeches I’ve given and I felt really ashamed.  I sure feel powerful when I have a microphone, where is my voice without one?

I realized how much I had emotionally invested in keeping the peace amomg the men-folk, at my own risk.  I realized how much punishment I still take (self imposed) to keep peace, even when there shouldn’t be peace.

There shouldn’t have been peace.  I didn’t need to get bothered at work because I’m female and then not talk about it and be nervous and hypervigilant about it because I’m me.

Next time, and I’m sure there will be a next time.  I’ll just try to tell the truth.  But the truth makes me wanna hurl, I’d rather just take the cathartic beating and get the confrontation over with.

comfort

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You know how you walk into a hot shower and the water envelops you and every muscle in your body relaxes?  You just exhale and you are covered in comfort and softness and just a silent moment of peace?

I got a message on my facebook from somebody I met once who made a big, sweet impression on me.  She commented about a blog post of mine, that I have permission to share.

“Hi FB! You may not remember me – we met at a party at xxxx’s house a couple years ago, and I thought you were lovely, funny and all-around awesome. You and your boyf had recently started dating, I think, and I am so happy to hear that you’re still together all this time later! I’m not much of a Facebooker, but I log in occasionally and I’ve read some of your Feisty Boots posts – what an amazing journey you’re on. Thank you for sharing it with us and being “out” about the cult abuse; you’re brave to confront the long-term effects of their conditioning and I think, ultimately, the blog will be a large part of your healing. After all, in writing it, you’re doing what they told you NEVER to do: telling the truth in public and saying it loud. Regarding the most recent post about losing your job: honey, fuck ‘em. I’m a therapist, and I’m here to tell you that PTSD will NOT rule your life forever. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing; sooner than you imagine, PTSD will revert to being just one chapter in the book of your life, not the whole book. The circumstances that caused the PTSD will always be part of your history, but the acute PTSD symptoms will recede. Until then, be as patient and gentle with yourself as you would with a frightened child. You WERE that frightened child, and since no one protected her or stood up for her when she needed it, it’s HER fear you’re feeling now. Feel it. Notice that it passes – kind of like a seizure, no? You don’t die of it. And you won’t have PTSD-induced panic attacks forever. Remind Little FB that she’s safe now; the worst is over. Only the aftershocks remain. But while you’re in this acute phase, it’s OK to avoid the things that trigger you. If you knew a little girl who was deathly afraid of churches, would you make her enter 30 of them? ‘Course not. You and the little girl inside you deserve that same kindness and understanding. Talented as you are, you’ll find other work – that’s not going to be a big issue. And I do hope you find a good therapist, someone who’s worked with trauma survivors and can help you manage the anxiety symptoms. Are there survivor websites or online communities you’ve connected with? Sometimes they can be a good source of referrals. Meantime, please know I’m thinking of you and sending long-distance hugs… xoxo”

In a cold time of uncertainty, this response made me feel held, loved and hopeful.  Thank you sweetheart.

call for work

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I’ve been feeling itchy and creative, wanting to write and express and purge my innards out through the arts.

Then I found this, “If you are a former member of a cult or high demand organization, we invite you to participate in this upcoming exhibit to present art, musical, and literary (English or French) work related to your experiences while in your group or during your recovery…..  

Creations may be in any art form, including but not limited to: literary (such as poetry, drama, short story, or other writings), music of any kind, dance, and the visual arts (such as paintings, drawings, collage, sculpture, fiber arts, photography, film, video, or multi-media).”

I emailed and told them I had writing, art and dance submissions.  I am so excited!!!

http://groups.google.com/a/icsa.name/group/freeinfo/browse_thread/thread/b40830ff863892cc?tvc=2&fwc=1&pli=1

 

 

Thursday

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I was right, I don’t have a job.

PTSD sucks.

But hey, I found a new phone app called PTSD manager where I can track my symptoms and maybe that’ll help it be more manageable.  I remember when I used to be able to hold down a job and be awesome.  I wonder if that will happen again.

Universal Call Out

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The first time was at a mixer a few months ago.  I was talking to a brilliant, charming man in a fez.  How could you not love a guy in a fez? It was a great conversation.  I would wear a fez, but my head is far too round and giant.  He told me what he did and it was awesome.  I told him what I did, “How can that be your passion?”  He wasn’t rude, he was genuine.  I was side-swiped.  I did what I did, like Rumpelstiltskin I told him that it was.  I stomped my straw of a lie and smiled pretty and tried to sell him gold.  I felt like I had sullied what had been one minute a go a true, real, human experience.  Curses.  Gross.

Hi, I’m Feisty Boots.  I am here on this planet to use my life experiences as a means of illumination against spiritual abuse in the world.  I write and speak so that people who have been hurt by leaders and family who have claimed that their abusive power came from a divine source don’t feel alone.  I believe that the unheard victim can get back on the wheel of abuse and become an abuser and I want to do what I can to stop that cycle.  I have seen the foulest of human nature and been told that it is the love of god and having broken free from that.  I write out those experiences and that process so that others in similar situations can take heart.

That’s a scary thing to say out loud.  Wish I had the guts that day.  Yesterday I met with two people for business and ended up talking about this anyway.  They were far more interested in this.

A woman with experience is in my life and she has some great ideas, I think I will start a step at a time.  Let’s see if I can work this transition.

meh

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I feel stunted, halted and blocked.  The burning cinder block on my heart that I want to show you is harder to show you because it’s somebody’s current situation that is triggering my past (well, my entire life).  And it’s a hard decision to write about it.  Cause it’s about me, but it’s about them.  But they read this and I’m putting their business on the internet…

Or I’m not and this firey cinderbock stays lit and burns a hole through my chest and my gut.  I feel angry and I feel robbed and I feel hurt and I feel sorry and I want to help and I can’t and I am grieving so much.

The natural consequences of a life and a cycle can be so hard to watch.  And mindfulness is so exhausting.  And you can be learning to be mindful but still have done a lot of damage in the world and have a lot of karmic bills to pay, like I do.

Mather 10:29.  “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.”

But they still fall to the ground.  I don’t know why people do what they do.  I know that people need community fiercely.  What has to happen in a life or in a generation to make it so that staying in a cult is the right thing.

How can you hand over all of your self preservation?  I know I was learning to.  How can you hand over your children’s well being, your physical well being and your financial future.  Then I look at the ways in which I am blind to my own situation and how I do the same thing.  Goddamn cycles everywhere I look, and I have to break them all.

Will I get over this, ever?  Seems like there are people I grew up with that seem so happy (on facebook) and I really hope they are.  More than anything I hope they are.  I hope they don’t feel the cellular level betrayal and abandonment that I do.  The rage and the theft.  OK, gotta take my brain pills and get ready for work so I can be happy.

Biggest Joy

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There is a man whom I have known for 20 years now.  He’s a brother of mine.  Yesterday I found out that the thing he’s always wanted is happening and I feel the biggest joy.  I am so overwhelmed with complete happiness that he’s going to be a father.  This person, this man, this brother is one of my few soul mates in the world and the last few years have been hard for us.  But underlying the pain of the last few years and the trials in our relationship, I’ve known that it’s us, and we’re going to be ok.

But this is so amazing; I am excited for the child that gets to be his.  This child has been wanted for so long.  He’s got the right girl and they are going to have a baby and I am so very excited.

It’s finally his turn.  I remember when I was about to give a speech in front of hundreds of people and it was my first time and I was accepting a big business award.  I told him that we didn’t deserve it anymore than anyone else in the audience.  He said, “Of course we don’t.  Fuck ‘Deserve’, it doesn’t exist.  It’s just our turn.  So go make the most of it.”

And if I was there I know we would laugh and cry and dance and I would wrap my arms around you, because this is worth celebrating so big.  Congratulations honey!  I love you so much!!