Tag Archives: weight

Spiritual Self Abuse?

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A lot of veterans with PTSD can’t stop watching war movies.  It is very common for people with PTSD to have trouble avoiding media that involves the subject of their trauma.  If I see a documentary on cults or religion or bible history, I will watch it obsessively.  I can’t watch movies like “Passion of the Christ” because I can’t watch violence without becoming seriously upset inside for hours.  So, I generally stick to documentaries, etc.

This is compulsive behavior for me, and since I got dealt OCD from my PTSD and have been living in a lot of stress with a new job and no stuff…  It’s been acting up.  Like my eating disorder and trichotillomania (2 not 1 for those keeping track at home) have been acting up.  I’ve been really angry for this mess of wiring in my head, and I’m still hunting for a good fit in a therapist.

“Well, you’re in the Bible belt”, is something I hear a lot at work.  And I need to learn to not let my compulsions out of my mouth via words at work.  Because one of the most successful industries here is the “church industry”, and I have been tasked with a project involving the “church industry”.  I could have turned it down in the beginning, but I didn’t want to and I was so intrigued.  But it would have been the most self-loving thing to do.

While working on this project, it’s brought a lot of churchy energy around me.  People see me working with media and iconography.  I am really into it, because I am marketing to churches and I can’t wait to see if it works.  I am so fascinated by this challenge, you know and nauseated.  People come into my work space and talk and then they talk to me about their faith.  I should probably put up some kind of boundary, but I don’t because I am sickly fascinated by how every one of them has translated and integrated a book differently.  It’s so interesting.

Yesterday was a hard day though.  I got whistled at in the hall.  I believe this was meant as a compliment.  I almost lost my shit.  To me it feels like.  Don’t forget that someone is always watching you.  Even when you think you are alone in a hallway, someone is watching you and sexualizing you.  Don’t forget you are never safe.  I told my coworker and he said that was an awesome compliment and he wishes he would get whistled at.  So that sucked.  Yesterday when this coworker said, “well you’re in the Bible belt…”  I told him that I never wanted suspenders so bad.

Then when wrapping up phase 1 of my project (yay I get a break!!!).  Someone was talking to me about their beliefs and it was ok.  He’s an animated talker.  I was sitting, he was standing.  He was talking about how people think that god the father will punish us forever in hell.  Then he said, “would a father punish a child forever?”  When he said that he was moving his arm for dramatic effect, his arm was over my head and I was looking up.  This had the effect of making me very small feeling.  His arm was coming down repeatedly (like ten times) and his hand was in the exactly grip that Pastor’s was when he was holding the PVC pipe.

I didn’t cry.

I talked to him about his loving views.  He smiled and went away.  Defense systems passed the test and all was well.  I came home about 5 hours later and lost my shit.  It was a bad day at work.  I didn’t want to go to bed, because we can’t sleep together and I really wanted to snuggle up.  So I’m up after 4.5 hours sleep ready to bang out the last day of the work week.  Tired, fragile.

problems with authority 1

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You may not have noticed, but sometimes I have trouble with authority.  Most recently this played out with my personal trainer where she said, come in twice before our next appointment-do these things or “you’ll be punished”.  She couldn’t have been more playful when she said it.

I even wanted to come in.  But I swear that phrase triggered me and my “fuck you shoes” were glued to the floor and I couldn’t go.  I said about a thousand times, I need to go to the gym.  I wanted to go.  But I couldn’t get there.  Why couldn’t I just get off my ass?

I felt weak and dumb.  I didn’t feel like I was “rebelling”.  I just felt like there was a force field between me and there.  Like I couldn’t get there.  I realized that between doing something or taking a punishment, I will take my autonomy and their punishment every time just because I can.  To prove my freedom now.

But seriously, I’m 35.  They aren’t going to get me anymore.  Half of my brain knows that, if I hold my head to the side and smack it, will my lizard brain get it?   It gets exhausting trying to prove myself to them, especially since they aren’t there anymore.  And since what I was rebelling against was healthy for me and something I wanted.

This is one of the consequences of emotional and physical abuse.  Now that the SCARY is internalized the problems with authority and internalized and I have to be at the gym in 42 minutes explaining how we’re going to have to come up with different language so that I can get my ass to the gym while I work on the cobwebs in this new dark corner that’s been lit up for me.  And not feel like a jerk or a delicate flower or make her feel like a jerk.

two steps forward and one step back

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On my last exercise with my trainer in our last session, I got injured.  And I have spent almost all of the time since Feb 24th medicated and in bed.

I can’t make it through an entire shopping trip without having to wait in the car and rest.

I can’t sleep on my side or front.

I can’t have sex, there are work-arounds but since my mom is one of my readers my story is that I can’t have sex.

I can’t carry more than 10 pounds.

 

But one of the biggest bummers is that I can’t work out and my chiropractor says it’ll take a long time to get me to where I was when I had started.  And I had come a long way.  I had only lost 5 pounds, but I was getting my cheekbones back and strength.

I went to the ER and I don’t have a spinal or a disc injury, thank goodness.  I just have a really sprained back.  And as soon as I can, I need to start walking 20 minutes a day and working up to more.  And she my chiropractor gave me core exercises I  can do in bed, while I’m lying around.

My chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist suggested that I cut out all inflammatory foods and pretty much stick to meats and veggies while I am laying around and to drink a ton of water.  So, I am going to try to go back on the Fat Flush Diet which fits those criteria and is also limited in its calories during the beginning which should match up with my down time.  Because I am really blue about this and I am hoping that a food plan to focus on will make sure I don’t gain a bunch of weight.

 

(weight 118)

bullhorn (check) parachute (wait)

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I’ve noticed a pattern in my life.  I make a pretty big and grandiose announcement of something that my intuition and foresight knows that I need.  Great big announcement.

Such as this…

I’ve done all of this mental and emotional work.  Now I’m going to work on my physical….  I will call it project hotness.  It will be so great, etc…

It’s ok if you don’t remember.   I almost forgot too.  You see there was a lot of stuff going on.  And there was more emotional and mental stuff to do.  Oh and there was ice cream.  And other things.  But mostly ice cream.

So, this pattern of making giant declarations in my life and on the internet and then screaming, running away from them and doing the opposite for a while is maybe part of my process.  I really feel like I should feel really bad about it.  Probably because I do.  I feel like talking really loud will persuade myself into doing the right thing.

Life and some exquisite avoidance and rationalization happened and I don’t really fit into my clothes.  I know this feeling.  This head fuck.  This depression.  This hole.  I know this and I’ve got to get out.  Because I know where I am.  I’m just gaining and gaining.  And I know that I’m at that place at over 200 again.  Where if I blink I’m going to be at 250.  I was once 265, maybe 280 and if I get back to 250, I’m going to want to die.

One of the problems is that I can make a fantasy that it’s ok.  I get hit on a couple times a week.  My boyfriend has no change in desire for me with my body changes.  I feel sexy.  So, I can think that everythings ok, everything’s fine.  Except that it’s not.  And at this rate, I’m gonna be the sexiest corpse you’ve ever seen.

(But before I get all “Cabaret” about it… Let’s talk math)

I got a gym membership last week.  E and I were out and had been talking about joining a gym for a while, and I was attracted to the Gold’s Gym in Oakland because they’ve got daily dance classes and I’m a dancer.  It seems to really hold Oakland’s amazing energy and I love that.

Yesterday I got my fitness test…

weight:  221.5

body fat %: 41.7 (this number was so brutal)

lean body mass: 129 lbs

pounds of fat on my body: 92.5

I have 4 weight loss goals…

  1. drop to 199 pounds by April 1
  2. then 180
  3. then 160
  4. then 160 but with a different lean body to body fat ratio- I don’t remember now.

With my lean body mass and a healthy amount of body fat for a woman, I shouldn’t go under 155-160 because I am a sturdy girl.

We are working on a nutrition plan and I will be working with a personal trainer. And I have to hit the gym 5 times a week if I want to make my goals and get healthy.

I was told today to accentuate the positive.  But I think I’ve been doing that too much.  I don’t want my heart to explode.  That’s what the Pastor always told me would happen to my dad.  I always worried about my parents’ health.

What about mine?  All of a sudden, 35 doesn’t feel young.  It did on Sunday.  It’s funny, when I was so much thinner and a dancer all I worried about my looks.  Now I’m confident (maybe to the point of narcissistic about my looks) and I am worried about my health, about diabetes.

Spiritual and physical abuse isn’t the only pattern that needs to be broken.  It seems that I need to also work on the cycle of self harm through food, or perhaps consumption.  Putting stuff in my mouth to temporarily make me feel better or numb and get through the momentary pain or boredom.  It’s all part of my disassociative behavior.

It feels kinda good to tell you my numbers.  Liberating in a way.  Once I was at a business mixer and a woman told me that I was fatter than I was.  I asked, “what does that mean?”.  She realized what she said and looked embarrassed and then she said that I didn’t carry myself like someone who was so fat.

That always stuck with me.  Is it a compliment?  I don’t know.

FAT

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We are having a heart to heart.

So I thought.

She was telling me about a picture of a certain someone and a certain comment she regretted putting on their picture on Facebook.  “Wow, that comment’s a doozy.” I tell her.

I said, “She’s so gorgeous.  He you seen the pictures of her and E together?  They are adorable together they are such good friends.”  I confided that sometimes it’s hard when your boyfriend has a super hot, super thin, model-like friend.  When you are having some issues with your weight. I was feeling vulnerable.

I look up at her.  She looks up from her iPhone.  She says, “Speaking of fat! Have you seen the knew FatApp?  It’s hysterical!  OMG!  Here’s a picture of me, and here’s what I would look like if I was fat!  EW!  OK  Here’s my boyfriend!… And if he was fat!  Check it out!!!  And here’s my dog!!! LOL!”

It was a good chat.  I sure felt heard.

into the woods 3

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I stood up and started to walk with more confidence, because I could see.  And even though I was terrified with every step I was making progress.  I could hear the ocean waves and I didn’t know if they were around the corner or miles away.  I walked and picked my way through the trees and toward that sound.  It was exhilarating.  That is until the clouds parted and the sky exploded into a storm and I was in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself.

I opened my pack and there was rain gear that my partner insisted on me taking.  I was grateful for her preparedness and put it on.  I kept walking and slipping through the woods.  Hoping that the sounds of the ocean were still reliable because the sound of the rain on my rain gear was very loud.  I also kept an eye out for bears and mountain lions who might want to attack a girl who was in the woods at night, lost and fending for herself.

I felt I was headed in the right direction.   I just couldn’t take the rain anymore.  It was a huge downpour.  I found a tree that had a giant branch that was headed in the direction I was going. I unpacked my sleeping bag and unzipped in and kind of hid in it for a while.  I tried to sleep, may have dozed off.  But it got heavier with the rain and I was freezing.  At the very first crack of dawn I rolled up my drenched, heavy sleeping bag.  Checked my direction with the tree branch.  And continued on my way.  I carried the wet sleeping bag in front of me, it no longer fit in my bag and even if it did I didn’t want to get everything else in there wetter than it was.  Everything was heavy, so carrying some weight on the front of me really balanced it out.

into the woods 2

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He drove off.  And there I was in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself.  Who’s stupid idea was this?  I took a minute and since I had no choice what with the being in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself-I decided to start walking.  I used my flashlight.  I didn’t believe I had natural “night vision” you only get that if you are a ninja or a hippy.  Or some combination thereof (a hinja?)

I walked, I inched toward the trees.  And I was so scared.  I saw no path and so I inched through.  I jumped at every noise and shadow.  Every mouse and owl.  I am not accustomed to being in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself.  But now I had to face it.

After about an hour, my flashlight lost power, and there was very little moon.  I started to walk with my hands forward, completely blind.  My ankle got twisted in some root or hole or something and I fell.  I did what was appropriate and had a good cry.  When I wiped my eyes, I realized that I could kind of see.  That the forest had a very silvery glint to it.  Maybe this is that night vision he told me about.  I stood back up.  The good thing about being lost in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself, is that nobody can hear you throw a tantrum.  However, I do believe a few bats lost respect for me.

Into The Woods (1 of 6)

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Although I have issues with the Christian god and the church I sprouted from, ceremony and ritual are a primal need of mine.  I have explored other paths of spirituality.  I was once doing a rites of passage ceremony.  And a funny thing happened on the way to the ceremony.

First of all, if you are talking to the person who is planning an intense ceremony don’t say things like… “My biggest fear is being alone in the woods at night, lost and fending for myself.”  That’s just a little tip from me to you.  Because those tricky, priesty types listen.

I was told to pack for a weekend backpacking trip.  And I did. I was nervous because at this point in my physical being I was at my heaviest which was 265-280 pounds.  I was not physically confident in my stamina.  Mostly cause I didn’t have any.  I packed.  I knew we were going to meet other people, who I knew, loved and trusted.  I was picked up and taken to where I thought everyone else was going to be.  Nope…  My driver told me to grab my pack, that the ceremony was starting now and to walk from the edge of the woods to the beach.  Everyone else would meet me on the beach in the morning.  Oh and one tip, if I use my flashlight it would harm my natural night vision.  Of course he dropped me off in the pitch black.

Project Hotness Update

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version 2…

version 2.5…

I don’t know.

Project hotness has many arms.  It’s not just about my physical appearance.  It’s about my health.  I hear things from my doctor that sound like, now that you’re 35, you have to watch your (blah blah something or other).

So, I started and then seriously fell off the wagon.  I’ve been going to a lot of therapy and discussing my eating disorder, and my meds have been changed so that the chemistry set that is my body is doing stuff chemically.  I’ve also started accupunture to work on the chronic anxiety and imbalances.  Right now I’ve got needle nubs in my ears that I can press up to 5 times a day for 5 seconds.  I’ve had two shamanic healing sessions that have helped me focus and get clarity and have also helped with the crippling anxiety.  I’m not supposed to wash me ears.  ew.  I’ve got a new eating and exercise plan that E and I start tomorrow. 

So, I did what people who want to lose weight and get healthier do the night before they start.  I ate too much and I feel icky.  Tomorrow we start the plan and it’s my goal to keep to it.  I’ve got a lot of weight to lose.

Wish me luck, cause I’m scared and feeling feelings.