Tag Archives: wisdom

comfort

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You know how you walk into a hot shower and the water envelops you and every muscle in your body relaxes?  You just exhale and you are covered in comfort and softness and just a silent moment of peace?

I got a message on my facebook from somebody I met once who made a big, sweet impression on me.  She commented about a blog post of mine, that I have permission to share.

“Hi FB! You may not remember me – we met at a party at xxxx’s house a couple years ago, and I thought you were lovely, funny and all-around awesome. You and your boyf had recently started dating, I think, and I am so happy to hear that you’re still together all this time later! I’m not much of a Facebooker, but I log in occasionally and I’ve read some of your Feisty Boots posts – what an amazing journey you’re on. Thank you for sharing it with us and being “out” about the cult abuse; you’re brave to confront the long-term effects of their conditioning and I think, ultimately, the blog will be a large part of your healing. After all, in writing it, you’re doing what they told you NEVER to do: telling the truth in public and saying it loud. Regarding the most recent post about losing your job: honey, fuck ‘em. I’m a therapist, and I’m here to tell you that PTSD will NOT rule your life forever. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing; sooner than you imagine, PTSD will revert to being just one chapter in the book of your life, not the whole book. The circumstances that caused the PTSD will always be part of your history, but the acute PTSD symptoms will recede. Until then, be as patient and gentle with yourself as you would with a frightened child. You WERE that frightened child, and since no one protected her or stood up for her when she needed it, it’s HER fear you’re feeling now. Feel it. Notice that it passes – kind of like a seizure, no? You don’t die of it. And you won’t have PTSD-induced panic attacks forever. Remind Little FB that she’s safe now; the worst is over. Only the aftershocks remain. But while you’re in this acute phase, it’s OK to avoid the things that trigger you. If you knew a little girl who was deathly afraid of churches, would you make her enter 30 of them? ‘Course not. You and the little girl inside you deserve that same kindness and understanding. Talented as you are, you’ll find other work – that’s not going to be a big issue. And I do hope you find a good therapist, someone who’s worked with trauma survivors and can help you manage the anxiety symptoms. Are there survivor websites or online communities you’ve connected with? Sometimes they can be a good source of referrals. Meantime, please know I’m thinking of you and sending long-distance hugs… xoxo”

In a cold time of uncertainty, this response made me feel held, loved and hopeful.  Thank you sweetheart.

Universal Call Out

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The first time was at a mixer a few months ago.  I was talking to a brilliant, charming man in a fez.  How could you not love a guy in a fez? It was a great conversation.  I would wear a fez, but my head is far too round and giant.  He told me what he did and it was awesome.  I told him what I did, “How can that be your passion?”  He wasn’t rude, he was genuine.  I was side-swiped.  I did what I did, like Rumpelstiltskin I told him that it was.  I stomped my straw of a lie and smiled pretty and tried to sell him gold.  I felt like I had sullied what had been one minute a go a true, real, human experience.  Curses.  Gross.

Hi, I’m Feisty Boots.  I am here on this planet to use my life experiences as a means of illumination against spiritual abuse in the world.  I write and speak so that people who have been hurt by leaders and family who have claimed that their abusive power came from a divine source don’t feel alone.  I believe that the unheard victim can get back on the wheel of abuse and become an abuser and I want to do what I can to stop that cycle.  I have seen the foulest of human nature and been told that it is the love of god and having broken free from that.  I write out those experiences and that process so that others in similar situations can take heart.

That’s a scary thing to say out loud.  Wish I had the guts that day.  Yesterday I met with two people for business and ended up talking about this anyway.  They were far more interested in this.

A woman with experience is in my life and she has some great ideas, I think I will start a step at a time.  Let’s see if I can work this transition.

Biggest Joy

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There is a man whom I have known for 20 years now.  He’s a brother of mine.  Yesterday I found out that the thing he’s always wanted is happening and I feel the biggest joy.  I am so overwhelmed with complete happiness that he’s going to be a father.  This person, this man, this brother is one of my few soul mates in the world and the last few years have been hard for us.  But underlying the pain of the last few years and the trials in our relationship, I’ve known that it’s us, and we’re going to be ok.

But this is so amazing; I am excited for the child that gets to be his.  This child has been wanted for so long.  He’s got the right girl and they are going to have a baby and I am so very excited.

It’s finally his turn.  I remember when I was about to give a speech in front of hundreds of people and it was my first time and I was accepting a big business award.  I told him that we didn’t deserve it anymore than anyone else in the audience.  He said, “Of course we don’t.  Fuck ‘Deserve’, it doesn’t exist.  It’s just our turn.  So go make the most of it.”

And if I was there I know we would laugh and cry and dance and I would wrap my arms around you, because this is worth celebrating so big.  Congratulations honey!  I love you so much!!

base

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My oldest nephew has reminded me about “base”.  Nothing can get you at “base”.  Base is perhaps the most important thing.  And I’m really glad that in play, kids have something to run to where all of the scariness stops and they are control.  When they are on base, they stop the world and process the chase, the overstimulation of the craziness and then when its time to go again they re-enter the game.

The sufferer of ptsd (I’m trying not to capitalize it, I think that’s great advice.  Thanks, A!) frequently feels chased.  I’ve got a thing or twelve on my emotional plate right now.  I have about 4 family relationships I am working on right now.  We still don’t have our stuff from the pirates and that is winding down, I hope we may have our stuff by Christmas.  My new job is great and not easy.

E and I continually work to connect to be “base”.  It is so good.  It’s really hard right now.  The pirates have our bed.  This weekend in a hotel was the first time we’ve slept together in a bed since 9/25.  And we are working so hard to keep our emotional connection sweet.  I’m really lucky, because the air mattresses and other sleeping arrangements have led us both to a lot of back pain through this ordeal and it’s not getting us down.  We’re just taking care of each other.

After a really hard week, A texts me….  She simply says, “I bet you look beautiful and your hair smells like strawberries”.   I laugh because she was close, 3000 miles away and my hair smelled like pumpkins.  My best friend is the master of sweet understatement, she can say better in 9 words what I was trying to tell you in 1,200.  And she smells like caramel, but she doesn’t have to put stuff in her hair to create a scent like I do.  A is “base”.  A is bass to my melody.

I am “base”.  I keep the motion and the flow in my life.  I swim the channel of shadows toward the light.  I love and forgive and connect and sting when I harm people and get pissed off when I have to do the right things and it’s hard.  I try to stop when I can’t and I try to go when I should.  And I learn from my little wild guru nephew about base and safe and stop.

That didn’t go well at all

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Two and a half hours of a complete inventory of my traumas.  A description of trauma highlights, it’s more fun if you imagine it in slow motion replays with John Madden doing the voice overs.  Then the inventory of all of my coping mechanisms and self medication strategies as well as other random psych questions.

I tried to describe my PTSD to her and I described the dissociative state where people are talking and it’s like I’m underwater and I can’t hear them.  I try to pierce through the water.

I think my open mindedness got me in a few places…  She asked if I see and hear things other people don’t and I said, “how should I know?”

She said I was going to be monitored for a couple of really scary diagnosis.  And I started to cry, a lot.  She told me to let go of the stigma and to work with her.  And I told her that those were the diagnosis I feared the most.  Basically this is a nightmare coming true moment.

She said that she wasn’t diagnosing me, just monitoring me.  At this point, I don’t want to go back.  I want to kick her in the shins and run away and maybe knife her tires.  But that’s not polite in the south.

I came home and cried for a very long time.  I didn’t want to tell E about what she said.  But I trusted us and did.  So it was good.  All of the behaviors that may look like the other diagnosis are also a part of PTSD.

But she is right.  What’s more important?  Recovery and proper treatment or ego?  I’ll do treatment as long as I’m sure I’ve got the right diagnosis.

Here’s a new feeling

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Rage.

I have to say that I’ve done a lot of work to peel off the whys of abuse.  I’ve walked many paths.  I’ve marveled at so many people’s rage.  I didn’t get it.  Now I do.  In the last month, starting in the middle of the road trip, I do.

Rage.

So many friends have had rage because they couldn’t protect me.  I said it was fine.  But from a different vantage, from this different angle, I see different pathways and how history that I thought I knew – form different pictures.  I want to throw up.

Now I know more and can see patterns and history and a much larger picture is coming together.  And this picture is not redeeming: I am learning how some families struggle with certain demons for generations.

The more I speak out, the more I can see back and am aware of what created the environment that makes a family susceptible to a cult.  A family is taught shame and secrets.  A family is taught that they are so flawed that there is no hope for them.  I want to know where this dark mythology started in my blood.

I have deep compassion.  But I have rage.  Because these lies have scarred just about everybody I love.  And now that I see the patterns, now that I am 3,000 miles away – I can see clearly.

Rage.  It took a lot of therapy to find mine.  And it was hard to name, but I drew a straight line to it in a cliche shower epiphany this morning.  Now that I know it, I can’t unknow it.  I’m straight up pissed off.

It’s not just why me and why my family.  It’s why anyone.  I want to start with me and mine.  Only love and compassion will fight this.  This is beyond morality and judgement, they doesn’t exist in this level.  There is only love, non-judgement and compassion.

I have to dig deeper, ask questions, publicly gut myself and write about it.  I have to be someone who sheds light and helps it stop.

ever since June 3rd

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I’ve had an email in my inbox that I’m terrified to read.  Turns out I’m not the only one who writes about the pain of the church.  One of the other people wrote their story and emailed it to me.  And I’m totally gonna read it.  But I’m scared.

I guess, I feel that their pain will be more real if I read it.  Maybe, it’s easier to think that it’s easier to contain if I’m the only one talking.  Maybe it’s cause I’m a Leo.

A double click will keep my commitment.  I feel like such a hypocrite, publishing tomes of my memories and not being able to read theirs.  But when I was showering, I thought about something else.  It’s bigger than me.  I think that reading their story will make mine times two. And open an exponential door into a monstrous house of pain.

If I hurt this much and they hurt this much – and there were 40 families.  That’s just too much.  It’s too big.  I feel like it’s opening the front cover of a really big book.

I also feel like this whole thing is a mystery.  I hear so many stories about how the church ended, how it crumbled.  But I don’t know 100% because I’m the one who walked away.  I got disowned by my family and excommunicated, yes I engineered it.  And yes that played a big part in exposing a lot of the BS going on.  But I’ve learned there were so many other factors at play.

So, after walking away from rubble it’s scary to walk back in and excavate and see what really went down and what the damage was.

But, dang I feel like a hypocrite for not being able to read that email.

a gift of a dream last night

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I’ve been self employed for over 10 years and last night I had a dream of my last employer.  I was the sole tech for the small business and also a project coordinator.  To quote the great AEJ, “when he canned me”… “he said I was inadequate”.

And I see how that has poisoned me in so many ways.  This CEO and I didn’t get along.  There were cultural differences, there were socio-economic differences, there were “hey she’s working with tools on a server and has boobs at the same time” issues.

This job was my leap from being a corporate rising star and ladder climber to small business.  It was my jump from being a cog in a vast IT wheel to being The Wheel.  I had a big learning curve.  But my dream last night also let me in on how many ways it was a completely sabotaging environment.

The saddest thing is how I had never been fired before.  I knit that word “inadequate” into my scar tissue and wore it.  I owned it.  The thing I realized this morning is how many personal and professional boundaries I have crossed to be the one who would “go there” who would “do it”.  Who would be rock star enough at the cost of my own personal sanity and health.

Because after 10 years, I didn’t even remember who I was proving wrong anymore.  I just knew that I was on a mission to kick some ass, no matter how bruised my foot was.

I feel like last night’s dream was such a gift.  I feel like I can work on letting that go.  I can do what I can do.  I can trust in the brilliance and the experience that I have and I don’t have to get all crazy about it.  I don’t have to compromise my happiness, balance, loved ones, plans, whatever so that some scary monster from a decade ago who hopefully doesn’t remember me any more won’t be right.

Of course, being the highly enlightened being that I am.  I changed all the server passwords to “inadequate”.

And, the lessons learned from being a solo tech in a small company is the inspiration for us to start that small company that we started.  So, thanks scary monster.  And thanks dream.

all you need is love 3

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Trust

Based on the emotional work that I have been doing, I have been working to rebuild a loving relationship with my parents.  And, it’s been really amazing.  Pain has been brought up, but also a rush of sweet memories.

There was a lot of happiness in my childhood that fear and rage had blocked out.  Sitting with them as adults and hearing their stories of the cult.  Realizing that they were more than 10 years younger than I am now when it started.

I recently sent them a letter sharing something very intimate and delicate and hoping for a good response, trusting in the love and forgiveness that we have been building.  I wish I could copy their response here, but it’s too precious too me.

All I can tell you is that when I got their response, burst into tears.  I felt like I was in a warm pool.  E immediately wrapped around me.  I was sobbing.  It was so sweet, so pure, so loving.  It was so good.  When I could finally talk, I said “This is love”.

He said, “yes”.

I feel like armor is falling off of me.  Which has made me very sensitive: this has it’s positives and it’s negatives.  But for the first time in my life I’m not scared to talk to my parents.  I have no secrets, nothing to hide and I feel perfectly accepted.  I feel like I understand them better.  I am curious I have so much more to learn about them.

I started this blog wanting to heal cycles of abuse.  It’s working in me.  So much so, that now I want so much to have a child and feel like I could be an amazing mother.  The bridges that I am building with E and my family are creating are becoming strong.

Love sweet love

all you need is love 1

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I’ve been very silent and internal.  Having posted a blog would have been like reaching into a tornado and pulling out one piece of debris and saying this is my focus.  But I’ve had no focus.

I mean, I’ve been focusing on my physical.  Which brings me right back to my emotional.  E’s and my living space that was quaint and intimate when we moved in has become neither and we need to go when our lease is up.  It’s an important part of our “stay in love plan”.

He and I went through a hard time recently.  There’s this sneaky person in me.  She used to sneak eat when she was growing up.  She used to get  tricked and then punished by authority figures.  She never could believe the reality presented to her was really what was going on.  So, this person (um…me) ended crafting her own reality in a lot of ways.  Becoming a kind of social manager, control freak, because if I know every thing that’s going on then there are no surprises.  I create the reality.  I am the knowing one.  I choose who to let in.  And while there aren’t a lot of surprises, there are surprises when you are with someone who actually wants to be with you creating your path equally.

It’s been so hard to let down the levels of walls and controls that I didn’t even know where there.  Manipulation that I didn’t realize I was spinning, so ingrained in me, until it was coming out of my mouth.  It’s been so hard to just be at peace and listen and be in a conversation without having to figure out what my move is three moves ahead.

So, to my credit I have a lot of successes in this.  A couple weeks ago, I didn’t have a success and this crack in the trust in our relationship is what led me to realize how deep this fear is of just being is.  Of believing that if I am totally honest and can have an open conversation about my wants and needs that it will most likely work out.  But if I am sneaky about it, it just won’t.

This has been a gift in our relationship, a lot of growing and healing has happened really fast.  I went and had some body work done and she hit an area where I had some stored trauma apparently and I cried for about 12 hours.   Then about 2 days later, I felt like 200 pounds of stone that I had been encased in fell off of me.